This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending Wanderlust as Ally Maz's assistant- who absolutely rocked the festival. This meant I was lucky to have the weekend's festivities paid for which also meant I didn't binge on yoga classes in an attempt to "get the most out of my dollar".
As such, I spent a lot of time doing this:
What can I say? I love floaty inflatables and my love for them is exemplified by throwing my arms up in the air. Anyway, I digress.
Despite taking it easy on the yoga class front, the clarity with which I saw my ego and my stories was astounding this weekend. I don't know if it was something about that mountain air or all the walking I did to and from the condo/ village, but I found myself calling myself out on all my shitty negative boo-hoo pity party thoughts. Stories like:
-I "missed" the yoga boat aka- I will be forever poor and doomed to live at my parent's home until I can claim pension.
-All the stories that come with being someone of colour/ first generation canadian
-I'm not "extroverted", thus not sociable and not cool.
-I don't belong.
-I have to prove myself.
I know I talked about stories before in a previous post so I won't go into too much detail about each and every one of the listed stories. What I will talk about is how I managed to titrate these stories into one concentrated, umbrella story that's followed me (and probably most of you) around for your life-
I am not enough.
"If you never believe you are enough, you'll never think you have enough."
This goes for everything from consumer goods to doing a ridiculous amount of low lunges in the presence of celebrity teachers in hopes of eking out a few droplets of gold. And so, instead of attending workshop after workshop in the hopes of learning new things to teach, I tried out the idea of feeling like I was enough.
And not "enough" in the sense that I don't need to be inspired or need further professional development, but I simply let go of the expectations, the guilt of "missing this opportunity" and trusted that what I was doing was enough.
It was enough when I sat and people watched instead of participating. It was enough when my friends and I spent one night eating instant noodles and watching Amazing Race Canada 2. It was enough for me to go for a run instead of a yoga class, breathing in fresh mountain air while trying not to step on baby toads.
One speakeasy I did go to was from one of the gentlemen at The Counsciousness Explorers and one takeaway I will share is this- "We think of pain as something of ours to hold. Like hot coal, and we think we deserve to be punished so we keep holding on." Such is the same of holding on to these stories. We can wallow in our Damsel in Distress tale for as long as we want (and create the subsequent Damsel in Distress reality) but at the end of the day, we don't have to hold on.
And interestingly enough, I found that some of the best inspiration came at the least expected of times.
After a few "beverages", I was spinning and doing my beginner contemporary dance moves whilst walking to the village one night. I looked up and couldn't find the stars I had seen just earlier. The bright lights from the lamppost nearby and the dizzy movement left me temporary blinded to something I knew was present. Of course, after some time and readjusting of my eyes, I took away these messages:
1. Sometimes when we get ourselves into crazy, busy, bustling situations that leave us breathless with joy or breathless with anxiety, we just need to find stillness and allow things to come back into focus. Allow that which is true to be found again as it was always present- simply unseen.
2. I need more Vitamin A- hello night vision??
Boom. Deep. Now for other learnings and inspiration, come catch a class.